Peep this yo! SSL, SEO, Google, & You.

Okey-doke. This one is for you technomancers out there. You’re the magicians of the cyber-babble demon speak of the interwebs and beyond. This is also for you average person types who are being all laymanly. If you have a blog or a storefront or other interwebby type things out there and want to increase your SEO I have some great advice for you and you should listen to it.

Okay, rule #1: You’re prolly gettin’ robbed. Srrys.
That “Web Developer” you hired is most likely an idiot that’s going to blame your hosting provider for anything that goes wrong. If you have a developer that does this, you are getting fleeced for your money. They don’t know shit.

Rule #2: InfoSec is an Essentiality
You need to contact your hosting provider and see if they can hook you up with an SSL for your domain. Here’s why and again, if your web dev doesn’t know you need this, fire them. On January 1, 2017, if you don’t have an SSL on your domain, it doesn’t matter how much time or money you’ve invested in your SEO, YOU WILL MOST LIKE NOT SHOW UP ON A GOOGLEY SEARCH annnnnd IF YOU DO YOU MIGHT HAVE AN ATROCIOUS POP-UP OF SOME SORT WARNING PEOPLE OF YOUR SITES UNPROTECTED SLUTTY SEX WITH THE REST OF THE INTERNET WITH NO CONDOM. (Wow, that was a lot of large letters. Stressful.) Just have a read at this link here at Motherboard.

Hire me. I’m much cheaper. Seriously, sign up to the site and send me a message. I’ll give you a good price.

Rule #3: Do you like the taste of fresh poo?
Don’t believe everything you read on a fancy website out there. A lot of these wishy-washy leeches that barely know how to open .php files. They seriously have no f’n clue what will make your website the best it can be. It’s super-duper easy to get a website that looks uber-professional in a short amount of time. Don’t be fooled by shiny baubles out there in the nether regions of the guy at home reselling hosting and eating Doritos in his underwear. Don’t feed that troll. Check references. Ask them for testimonials. Do ya mafukkin’ research, yo.

Meow Kitty. Bang, bang…
Be aware, the advice of the Six Kilo Kowboy should be ignored at your own peril. If you read this and go aw, that’ll never happen to me…

When it happens to you realize you should have followed my sage advice, because your web dev you pay a metric shit-ton of money to has slept on the job and they’re responsible for the problems you’re getting, not HostGator, not GoDaddy, not Bluehost, and not whatever random hosting service for which you pay. It’s that douche canoe charging you an ungodly amount to take care of your website.

Suck it phoney web devs who give real web devs a bad name. If you don’t keep up with current SEO trends for your clients and seek to protect their investment then you don’t deserve the client. Just sayin’. *Throws down gauntlet*

Use your words