Part II: Medieval Boogaloo
The sun set on the prairie, making a silhouette out of the lone rider. As his horse trotted casually, he plucked at a lute, singing a song into the open, echoing bittersweet words of love lost into the universe. For even the angels wept at–
The lute crunched and twanged in a sudden discord and the man looked at the instrument. An arrow was lodged in its side. A cold shiver went down the man’s neck and he looked onto the prairie for his assailant.
“There you are, you blonde-headed bitch!” Shouted the woman galloping towards him.
The man fumbled for his sword, but it was tangled on the straps that held his shield and bow. His horse, confused, began turning in circles herself.
Another arrow flew toward him and missed his face by a hair.
“Stop moving and let me shoot you!” The voice called, much closer now.
“Fair maiden, I know not what I have done to offend thee! Spare this adventurer’s life in your womanly compassion!” He called out in his melodious pitch.
“Ugh!” The princess exerted an offended grunt. “Womanly??” She hopped down from her horse and walked toward the man, still twirling on his horse. “Stopping moving Erik, I need to kill you.” She informed him.
The horse stopped moving and looked at the princess, and for the first time, so did Erik.
She shot a bolt toward his face, but he quickly shielded it with his hand. The tip went through his palm and stopped just short of his face. Erik released a howl equal parts shriek and sob.
“My love! Delilah, my sweet. How could thou have done this?” He spoke through the wailing.
“Talk! Normal!” She released another bolt, but it missed as Erik and his horse started moving erratically again.
“Please, your grace, please tell me how I have injured thee! I entreat ye!”
“You fucked with Bessie! You know not to fuck with Bessie. I should have killed you when we broke up.”
“Surely, you mean when I broke up with you, my grace?”
Another bolt flew into his thigh, sending him over the side of the horse.
“Princess! If you kill me now, how will you know where Bessie is?” The man’s eyes, wet and red with tears flashed a shade of cunning.
The princess was about to shoot him through his dumb fucking face, like she said she would, but he had a point. “OK, tell me where Bessie is so I can shoot you.”
“You really cannot believe I am that foolish,” Erik retorted.
“Erik. That amount of foolishness doesn’t scratch the goddamn surface of what I believe about you.”
“Well… Nevertheless, you’ll need to take me with thee if you hope to find Bessie. I can’t just give thee all my secrets,” he said.
She lowered the crossbow. He was right, but she didn’t like it. She really wanted to kill him right here and now, but she supposed Bessie was worth waiting a day.
“Fine. Let’s get you bandaged. Also, you’ll need to take an antidote because the arrows were dipped in–Erik what THE FUCK?” She shrieked that time. Above the widening circle of blood that surrounded the arrow lodged in Erik’s thigh was a massive erection.
“Oh my,” Erik said as he noticed. “The heart desires what the heart desires I suppose.” He winked at Delilah.
Delilah pulled the vial of poison from her pocket. Dad’s potion for his boners. Christ, Loren, you really need to retire.
“You’ll be fine, it should only last four hours–” she stopped, and it clicked. If she was using this potion, then tonight, her father would be using… “Daddy,” she said quietly.
“I do so love when you call me that, dear,” Erik responded.
Delilah walked toward Erik. “We need to go back to the castle,” she said.
“But Bessie is in the other direction. And moving quickly more than likely. Those smugglers did not seem like the dilly-dallying type,” Erik said casually.
Delilah kicked Erik in his balls. “Why are you so fucking weird?!” She screamed at him.